our pool is going to be fixed soon. yay!
and i should really work more on my story.
summer school starts the 10th
i'm babysitting from 12 to 4-6ish?
i have 91 dollars to my name as of right now.
i don't babysit for another 9 days....
i need to go to the mall and buy a necklace.
and get Min something for her birthday
it's the 19th.









So over the past two weeks or so i've watched a lot of movies...
These were just from over the past two days.

Gingersnaps
Wimbleton
A Date Movie
Casanova

but i also watched

Garden State
Chocolat
The Man in the Iron Mask
Underworld Evolution
The Last Samuri

i don't remember the rest, but i always watch a lot of movies at Jills house.


i really want to see

Vanityfair
Pride and Prejuiduce
Annapolis
Casablanca

hah. i don't know what happened to that last entry.

i apologize.

<333

So I've decided that Juli inspires me to write. hah. But i am not sure if i started writing this story yet, but here. This is what i've got so far. I'll do it two chapters unless it's really long.
Hmmm i think Paul McCartney is on the radio, it sounds like him, and it's making me really miss my driving rain cd.
I don't think there's much else to write.
Here's my Story.
Like it. Love it. Read it. <3
Oh yes, before i depart. here is one of the funniest pictures i've seen. <3




//I love you crazy boys of Children of Bodom. :D
NOW FOR MY STORY!!!!

so tomorrow Jill and i leave for Long Island. really early in the morning. 8am. yeah. good times. it will be awesome, because i cannot stand being here.
Kal- the dude i like, ditched me for like... the 4th time. and it's bad because i really like him. :/ even if he's a major pot head, and he is kinda scary at first, and he does weird things, he seems like every other person on this planet, he has some weird issues. but it's okay.. i just don't understand. i don't understand why he'd think girls don't like him, and when one actually does, he blows them off and makes up lies about them. blah. yeah. grrr. i'm becoming a lesbian.

-.-
my head hurts like whoa. but i'm happy i got to play in the rain. it was fun.

i hate when i finish a book. it's that weird feeling that you've just spend fill in the blank hours getting so soaked up into someone elses life. that someone might not even be real, but then again who really knows? it makes me feel like i cannot write something for shit. i noticed this yesterday when i went into Barns and Noble to get my new book; Just Listen, by my favorite author; Sarah Dessen. i am currently mad at myself because i want to have a book on a shelf in Barns and Noble with my name on it, my hard work, organized and attractive on paper, with a shinny glossy cover, one that will attract many readers. but because of myself i just... don't see it happening right now. i mean i'm only 17, but i long for something to go right in my life. not even saying things are wrong, just that i cannot seem to get simple tasks done. If i'm going to write, i'm the type of person who'll need a whole other house, in the woods somewhere with no distractions. but i feel somehow with everything, i'm not living up to being 17 years old. i don't feel 17 sometimes. sometimes i feel much older. when really i know i love being younger. i love acting like there's nothing to fear once i've jumped off the porch, like when i was 10, i'll land on the pavement and scrape myself up, only to just run in and get a band aid, maybe cry if it wasn't intentional... but some days i just want to do that again. some days i just feel my heart isn't ready to move on. i don't want to grow up and i'm not even older. sometimes i just want to dance in the rain and be passionate. confused. niiave. just for a little while longer, instead of being stressed and stupid. no. ignorant. i love ignorance.. not being it, but the deffinition. most people don't realize that stupid and ignorant are two totally different things. but i do. i'm not really smart. in fact i hate school. i hate everything about it. but i love writing. that's mostly what i do when i'm in school. write down stupid things on my mind. Things. Things is such a placeholder; when you know what to say, but don't want to say it. and now i am mad. because with every Sarah Dessen book, i feel that i can relate 100% even if the whole story doesn't go the same way my life is, like my best friend doesn't have a baby, and there's normally no boy in my life like that, just things, no, words, Sarah Dessen says makes me attatched. which is why i'm craving for more books. i cannot get enough of her. i'm just stunned. being a true fan of her makes me want to write like her. while my writing is very far from finnished,she makes me feel inspired. Everyone would be suprised to know i have finnished a few stories. two actually. one was about my life. my secret side. and one was about the future. and like always i've gotten myself distracted. so my thoughts are lost. and i was on a role.
basically now i'm going to go through my latest story and try to move on from there. i have a special way of writing i guess, i just never let anyone see it. Min used to edit my stuff. I thank her very much. Actually Min is the one person i really thought of while reading Just Listen. She reminded me of Clarke and of Whitney. Some people would understand why both remind me of her. and then in some weird sence Owen reminds me a little of myself. I listen to a wide variety of music, not nearly as wide as his, nor as i where i'd want to be varied, and his rings. i wear two rings. they hold meaning to me, and maybe it is my before and after rings. Then i am like Annabel. I keep everything important inside. On another note i am like Sophie. I was popular. Not exremely, but to a point. On another side i can see myself being like Kirsten. i talk a lot, i'm diva ish, i hate school and i prefure having a good time over school work. and i feel like Clarke but with my younger cousin Jahnna. We used to do everything together, she was the more adventurious one, she strayed away fast though when someone cooler came along. I feel like i'm missing her all this time, but really she's never gone anywhere; she just doesn't live down the street from me anymore, and she's old enough to have boyfriends and drink alcohol and smoke pot by her own choice. Also she'd choose any popular pretty model like girl over me, so i've just sighed for the past two years.but in an over all i can relate to this book.

and here i am ranting and ranting about this book. but it's so wonderful. ahh. but it makes me feel so much better.

and of course i feel like Annabel and i fall for a boy. Owen, but my mystery boy is different. actually being 17 makes me hate being 17. i hate lying, but i hate hurting peoples feelings. but i am a hypocrite because all i ever want is the truth, but i don't dish it out when it needs to be there. Like with... lets just call him ... Boy 1. Oh i care about this boy, he's a good friend of mine, but he's older, and he's just getting out of a relationship, and i don't want to get involved because now he's offically single and i get jealous really quickly and it becomes this thing, no, feeling, and habit to just question and doubt myself. i get territorial i guess, but this boy is not mine and i'm not sure i can even really have a relationship with him. for my own reasons, but i'm not exactly sure what they are, i mean i know, but i don't know how to express them.

Then there is boy 2. i've known him for just as long and he too is older, but not as older. and we just started hanging out again recenty and he's more... mysterious. of course he has qualities that make me wonder about him, but for some reason i find myself connecting with him on some sick level. he does a lot of shit i don't like, and i don't want to be baby sitting. but he does take really good care of me in bad situations, and he's not as scary as people make him out to be. don't judge a book by it's over, gawd, assholes.

so i don't know what to do. i'm not good with confrontation.

which also makes me hypocritical.

i have this other friend. we'll just call him... Echo. and he's with this girl Voice. she's really weird with him. she makes poor choices with their relationship and i've noticed this for awhile now, and i feel them going down hill a lot faster than they'd like to admitt. when they got together waaay back, they fell for each other hard, and then they crashed really quickly. This makes my prediction about SEX prooven to be true. I speak from experience too, not just guessing. but i yelled at my friend Echo because for months i've been giving him advice and lately i've been feeling confused and unwanted, misunderstood and just annoyed with people. i guess you can say i've gotten really pushy. he didn't listen to me, and i yelled and i'm still somewhat annoyed, but i've decided to stop giving advice to him. He chose to stay with this girl who apparently makes him so miserable, that's his choice.
family life isn't too great either. my mother has threatened in the past two weeks, going on 7 times, that she's leaving, she can't stand it here, we don't do anything, we're making her miserable... etc.. etc.. blah blah blah. i used to be really upset about it, like in the beginning of the year when she said some really mean things and took off and make my sister cry. it's just gotten worse from then. but she never leaves and we just ignore her, which makes her mad and huffy and she starts slamming things around, and then yells at my dad when he gets home. the poor man already looks like he's going to freakin die of a heart attack from being overly stressed, then she's always attacking him. it makes me sad. oh and speaking of my mother, when is mothers day? i know someone wanted to hang out- Mallory. she had wanted to hang out with us... it's her confermation or something like that. i doubt i'll be able to go, and i don't think i should be forced to stay at home with my mother while she acts like today is any other day. i swear i'm feeling more and more like cinderella. but a lazy one. i stopped doing what she asked while back ago. there's just something there, that's not said that makes me want to push her away. i need my mother. i love her, and i envy girls who are close to their moms, and can talk with them and hang out with them and their moms know what's going on in their lives. Mine is having a midlife crisis or something, she's unemployed and no one can talk to her. my sister said something about her being depressed. well i'm not sure. maybe she is. maybe i am. maybe we just think we are, what ever it is, i just get mad because i don't think my mom and i will ever be like how we were a few years ago, when i could actually talk to her. that just does damage to me; to my heart.

with only a few weeks of school left, on the inside i am really stressed, but my body is so lazy, i can't stay up late anymore, i can't do much. i don't want to talk to people, i just am stiff and cold to people most of the time. sometimes i forget to be nice to people. sometimes i just jump down their throats and i hate it. i hate what i've become, or what i could be becoming. it makes me even more sad. i'm really confused. my best friends, the ones who are supposed to be true, keep falling like flies. what happened to simple things? when did everything have to be so... different and confusing? why does it feel like it's all me; like it's my fault i'm the way i am, is it me? that makes me even more upset. i feel i need someone to talk to now more than ever. i've asked for a shrink for years. so it's not someone personal. i know i'd like getting my feelings out. i keep them all inside. maybe i have anger management or something and no one knows? maybe i'm just very... oh what's the word... besides my moms favorite for being a teenager; Angsty. no it's not that. it's something else. but i realize i've been pushing everyone away slowly. even my dreams are haunting me of what i'm doing. is there something i should do, could i do, about it?

i dunno what ever caused this long typing spree, well Just Listen did, but hopefully i'll just find someone fun, some one who makes me feel just right, because unfortunantly for me, all the boys i've liked, haven't clicked with my heart. i have a big feeling that when the right person comes along, my heart will click into place, and really loud, and i'll know. for now i'll keep dreaming and stressing myself out about what i want to do with my life. i've actually considered moving down south, if not England. If i moved down South, i might be a little bit more lonely, but still okay, but if i moved to England i know my writings would vary and would be crazy, because i'd have to get into the heart of everything. actually both doesn't sound too bad. i'll just have to think about it some more. besides, there could be that boy around here waiting for me, or even there. i'll just have to see. perhaps i could move to NC with my uncle. That would be really really interesting. i know i'd feel love there. ahh. more ranting for later i suppose. This one was a long one. but i did get a few things out, and my writing; i was able to stay on track for the most part. GO OUT AND BUY JUST LISTEN BY SARAH DESSEN <3 i highly recommend it.

:D

over and out in dream land

Minty